Practical Assertiveness - The Neighbour’s Fridge
As I set about curating my Assertiveness course, little did I know that my knowledge of the practice would be put to the test in real life with a dear neighbour whose noisy outdoor fridge (they run a small food business and store some of their stock in this fridge) had been causing sleepless nights and anxiety for my wife for more than 2 months (I sleep like the dead, on the other hand). Read on to find out what happened…
One of the definitions of assertiveness that I like is “standing up for your rights, while also respecting the rights of others” – we all have the right to be heard, say how we feel, and do not have to justify how we feel.
The benefits of being assertive are many-fold: increased self-confidence and self-esteem, improved communication and reduced stress, for example. Assertiveness is important in all facets of life to ensure, fundamentally, your rights and boundaries are respected so you’re not exploited by others and treated like a doormat! Some examples might be; simply asking for what you want, getting your point across during a work meeting, responding to the aggressive behaviour of a boss or co-worker; not rolling-over to accept a disproportionate number of tasks at work; resolving a conflict at work or at home, and in any negotiation.
One component in the assertive behaviour toolkit is how to deal with or manage difficult people, or an undesirable situation caused by another person.
Standing up for your personal rights can feel uncomfortable as it runs counter to our basic “fight or flight” human-programming. In confrontational situations we can find it challenging to take control of and suppress our adrenalin to remain calm (a key requirement of assertiveness). Further, some of us have an overwhelming desire to please others, or at least not upset them.
In the absence of assertiveness, those that have been getting away with aggressive, belittling, dismissive or disrespectful behaviour will continue to do so, causing the recipient higher anxiety, stress and a continual dissatisfaction with aspects of life. Assertiveness can act as a “shield of steel” (a bit like Batfink’s wings – apologies, that’s not a very contemporary reference) equipping people with the tools to identify, correct and deter such behaviour in the future.
On my assertiveness course, I explain the 4-step approach on how to identify, address and calmly request your desired solution, to effectively deal with a difficult behaviour or situation to your satisfaction. It goes like this, “I understand - I feel - I want - is that ok?”. It’s a simple, structured process, and if you follow it, it will give you an enormous sense of empowerment, and may well change your life or at least give you a better chance of your needs being met.
In the example of the “high-stakes” (or should that be “high-steaks? Editor: cringe) issue with my neighbour, I planned my script and, heart pounding, I put the 4-step process into action. I demonstrated to my neighbour that I was listening to his position, he was able to understand my point of view, and accepted my practical suggestion of moving his fridge out of hearing range. We then both laughed about why I hadn’t brought the topic up sooner. There’s always room for improvement…
If you think that you or your team would benefit from understanding how to increase self-confidence, self-esteem and accomplish more through being more assertive, schedule a free call with me HERE.
The best days lie ahead.
Martin
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